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Sarah Palin Checks Into Rehab; Last Six Months Suddenly Make Sense

sarah-palin-dumbWasilla, AK – Political observers were briefly surprised on Sunday when Alaska Governor Sarah Palin checked herself into a rehabilitation clinic for an undisclosed number of narcotics in Wasilla, Alaska.

“This is shocking, completely shocking,” began CNN contributor Melinda Torres. “Well, actually, not that shocking.”

“I didn’t see this coming at all,” said Washington Post’s Chris Cizilla. “But I really should have. Her behavior for the last six months is perfectly in line with a meth addict.”

Palin, who hails from the methamphetamine capitol of Alaska, came into the national spotlight last fall when she was nominated to be John McCain’s running mate. Initially well received due to her ability to energize a crowd, Palin quickly became an object of criticism due to her widely panned interviews with Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson. She was then spotlighted frequently by the news media as being “off script” from the McCain campaign, with several senior McCain aides saying that the governor was “going rogue.”

“All the signs were there right away,” said Cizilla. “She displayed extreme paranoia in regards to the McCain staffers combined with a feeling of personal invincibility. And during the Couric interviews, you can see her giving rambling convoluted answers to pretty clear and simple questions. We all assumed she was just undisciplined as a politician. Now it’s clear that she was high.”

“Her war with the press also makes great sense in light of the rehab,” agreed University of Oregon Psychology professor Nina Brian. “We all interpreted as just a very passionate adherence to a tried and true Republican tactic, but it was much deeper than that. The paranoia and animalistic defensiveness displayed was perfectly in line with that which is displayed by a crack addict. It’s the feeling that forces are turning on you unjustly, but most importantly, it’s combined with a near psychotic belief that you can beat these forces through sheer will.”

After the campaign’s conclusion, Palin surprised many by forcefully staying in the spotlight, and frequently fueling late night comedians with strange statements and continued feuding with the now defunct McCain campaign staff. In November, she famously did a photo op in front of a slaughterhouse featuring a turkey (which she presumably didn’t see) being slaughtered just behind her. Most recently, she put many a tabloid star to shame with an incredibly public feud with Levi Johnston, the ex-fiance of her daughter and the father of her grandchild.

“Governor Palin’s behavior in the recent months has been far more in line with your average coke addict than your average politician,” said UC Berkeley Psychology professor Dean Gordon. “A normal politician would mediate all actions based on the public appearance generated. Palin, on the other hand, seems to choose her actions based on their size, with little regard for embarrassment or side effects.”

Palin’s move this week throws into question the fate of the Alaska government, as well as American Chopper and several other television programs on which the governor has made plans to appear.

In a brief press conference, State Senator Daniel White said “We are confidant that we will be able to work with the Lt. Governor to keep Alaska moving until the Governor recovers.”

Representatives from American Chopper have thus far refused to comment.

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