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Partings and Lamentations: Disavowals of The Times

By Jimmy Wallenstein

disavowals of the times, some rights reserved,

Throwing up their Hands: The Arthur Hadley Wemedges
Arthur and Denise Hadley Wemedge of Harrison, NY and Key Montreux, FL officially sundered their union this afternoon in the clubhouse of Winged Hoof, the nation’s most exclusive golf club that is also a stockyard. Mr. Wemedge graduated in the course of things from the Buckley Under School and is the son of Warren Wemedge, a retired senior partner at Anonymity Exterminators, a publicity firm, and Wendy Wainscott Wemedge, an insomniac.

Arthur, a fellow at NYU’s Wemedge School of Institutional Aggrandizement, attributed the breakup to the effects of a repetitive-motion injury. “I’ve been throwing up my hands on a daily basis since I married her. My arms are all but out of their sockets. I simply can’t go on.” The officiating judge, who declined to identify himself but was heard to answer to Solomon, said he felt the same way.

Mrs. Wemedge, the former Denise LaMinquée, who graduated Summa Cum from St. Mandrake’s, noted that Mr. Wemedge had repeatedly failed to meet her needs. Her mother, a runner-up in the Miss Hudson County competition of 1966, is a dermatologist specialising in the treatment of anxiety. Her father, who deals in a broad range of protective garments, delights in serving his country when no one is looking. “I gave up everything for Arthur,” the former Ms. LaMinquée reflected, “even my accent aiguille. And that breath!” Chelsea, her West Highland terrier, is the man who shot Liberty Valance.

Mr. Wemedge claims that his needs hadn’t been met either, and that because he is better, this is worse.

A Civil Secession: Tad de Gadboit and Lex Tenderloy
Guillaume Wilhelm Thaddeus de Gadboit, Jr. and Alex Ababa Tenderloy formally dissolved their union today at Moments of Teaneck, an events space featuring the loudest outdoor fountain in the tri-state area. Sidney Wing, R.Ph., used a bullhorn to officiate; still no one caught a word. Professor Anders Headgear and Sir Rector Vector-Trowels were in attendance. Professor Headgear’s fame preceded him; Sir Rector’s fame followed in a silk and linen ensemble by Zegna.

The couple devised their own ceremony for their last hurrah. Each dropped an Alka-Seltzer tablet into a glass of water and joined hands while the tablets dissolved; the tablets having vanished but the solution still fizzing, they drank from the glass; each let go the other’s hand, slapped the other in the face, backed away from the podium, and whispered, “be gone.” In contrast to Mr. de Gadboit’s exquisite composure during the performance, Mr. Tenderloy wept silently, until, unnerved by his partner’s apparent equanimity, he cried, “Look at him. Doesn’t miss a beat.”

Mr. de Gadboit, who assists physicists at the National Laboratory in Washington in searching for their inner children, pooh-poohs higher education. His father, Guillaume Wilhelm Thaddeus Etcetera the First, used to withdraw $60 from the cash machine; he has lately taken to withdrawing $100. His mother, Florence de Gadboit, née Saint Bernard, was flayed alive by cannibals after failing to convert a putt for birdie on the fourteenth green at Praying Mantis; she works in a marketing capacity for Pfizer. The couple met in the bucket seat of a ’67 Camaro. “It was a fun car, no question” the elder Mr. Gadboit wryly commented. “Only, the cigarette lighter gave me trouble.”

Mr. Tenderloy, a freelance food photographer who was among the first to insert microscopic cameras in aspic, is a graduate of Cornell; the university registrar declined to confirm this. His father, Langley, a systems analyst, reinvented the wheel. His brother, Mikey, can play famous melodies by drumming his fingernails against his teeth. His sister, Lisa Gedenkt of Kansas City, has a hard time throwing away old stuff and enjoys train travel; she asked that her name not be mentioned here.

Saying Tomato: Lawton and Hermione Owens-Mammon
Lawton Owens-Mammon II, after whom Cushing’s Disease is named, and his wife Hermione, née Ropsz, chose the Secant Hunt Club, the site of colonial America’s leading water-treatment facility, to announce the end of his marriage, published in these pages in this typeface on this very day lo nine years ago. Their offspring, Li’l Danny, nine, a Fellow in Special Surgery at Harvard Medical College, and Jason, eight and three quarters, an aide to Senator Rick de Campe, work in a sales capacity for Pfizer.

When asked by the officiant, the Reverend Clarence Norman Thomas, Secant’s Master of the Hunt and a member of the board of governors of the Institute for Higher Blood Sports, about the grounds for his divorce suit, Mr. Owens-Mammon snickered and replied, “Grounds? My good man, there are grounds, I assure you.”

“A gentleman’s word is his bond,” Reverend Thomas mumbled, and granted the petition.

Mrs. Owens-Mammon, who was out on the chase when the announcement was made, seemed taken aback on her return. She quickly regained her poise, however. “It’s not my way to complain,” she said. “Never has been. Though I must add that it was a perfectly happy marriage. As long as I put the request in writing, Lawton always let me share his mistresses.”

Mrs. Owens-Mammon’s aunt is the triple-crown winner Seattle Slew.

Remembering Where They Came From: Yu Tsun and Stephanie Albert
Yu Tsun, who in 1993 relinquished his role as the murderer of Dr. Stephen Albert in J.L. Borges’ 1941 “The Garden of Forking Paths” to attend The Emory University School of Medicine, and Dr. Stephanie Albert, a gastrointerologist in private practice whom Dr. Tsun met there, agreed to a divorce at Karim’s, a falafel stand beside the entrance of Emory’s main library, to which Mr. Tsun repaired after the ceremony. This took place under a thin cloud-cover and light winds; a thirty-percent chance of precipitation went unrealized. The Right Honorable Seymour Feingold, who trimmed his sideburns for the occasion, officiated. “I hereby renounce you,” Dr. Tsun was heard to say in a firm yet shaken manner. “Ditto,” Dr. Albert, who friends said had grown distressed on learning of her husband’s role in the original story, replied. Karim was also distressed after his requests to the parties to indicate whether they’d like extra hummus on their falafel were ignored.

Dr. Albert was more expansive once her erstwhile husband had made his way back to the PZ4.B73 section of the library stacks and dived between the covers of the celebrated Ficciones: “Helping others while earning a lot, realizing my parents worst fears through miscegenation-I won’t deny that it was fun. But that kind of thrill wears off after a while. And when, just as that was happening, Yu decided to tell me about his past. I started to wonder about his attraction to me and we both agreed that it was time for him to resume his position in Borges’ elaborate construction. Love is so fragile, but I guess that’s what makes it beautiful.” Dr. Albert’s father, Vice President Emeritus in charge of brand management for Management Brands, currently divides his time between the living room and kitchen. Her grandmother appears in Chapter XII of Vladimir Nabokov’s Ada, or Ardor.

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