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Lawyer-Bird Profiled in Species Report

lawyer bird, some rights reserved, and Moines, ID – Each year when the leaves begin to turn and the world is suddenly as colorful as a Thomas Kincade autumnal wonderland, we know that Fall has finally fallen. And with Fall inevitably comes the other great indicators of the passage of time: the annual release of the updated Endangered Species list. The dead and dying is not a great band name, but in fact an excessively detailed list of all the species that are about to bid their adieu and exit stage right from the evolutionary theater.

This year, amongst the predictable (Giant Panda, Australian Sea Turtle) and the insignificant (Jerusalem Dwarf Mite, Tropical Stone Fish) there has arisen a new darling; the Indonesian Cerulean Barbet is now commonly referred to as the “Lawyer-bird” and its popularity is skyrocketing. Environmentalist discussion boards are abuzz with the topic. Some have gone so far as to speculate that this intriguing fowl will become the new face of Endangered Species and perhaps Environmentalism altogether. Others argue that our Lawyer-bird is nothing but a trendy passing fancy.

The lasting popularity, or staying-power, of the Indonesian Lawyer-bird is yet to be seen, so let’s take a look backwards instead. The Lawyer-bird was discovered five months earlier by two amateur bird watchers whose yearly retreats bring them to a secluded section of jungle. “It’s pretty remote – it has to be – we’re having a torrid affair and our wives can never find out,” commented one of the men. After years of observation, the men determined that there was something special about the bird and took footage of it back to the local university where it was studied by behavioral ornithologists.

What transpired yet can only be called a “nerd fest” or “dork off” as footage of the bird traveled the world via email attachment until the leading theorists in bird behavior had seen it and come to the same remarkable conclusion: this unique species of bird appears to be a practitioner of law. “Lawyer-bird is actually a bit of a misnomer,” reported Dr. Samuel D. Lorentzo via telephone on Thursday, “it’s actually more of a Judge-bird or Justice-bird!”

The bright blue and black avian creature is a near cousin of the Bird of Paradise and acts behaviorally very similar. Using elaborate displays, an awkward dance and a series of strange clicks the lawyer-bird appears to be passing out judgments onto the other birds. Whereas most use their displays to garner a mate, the lawyer-bird settles disputes, determines guilt and innocence, and decides punishments in the bird community.

Unfortunately, these judgements seem to go by as unnoticed and unheaded by the other birds. It unclear whether they do not understand the lawyer-bird or simply do not respect him. There are currently no police-birds to enforce the laws of the lawyer-bird in known existence. Scientists and law professors studying the birds decisions find the lawyer-bird to be conservative in his decisions and agree that he would most likely “have a strict interpretation of the bird-law.”

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