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5 Ways to ‘Go Green’ for the Holidays

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Los Angeles, CA – The official announcement that America is in a recession came right on the heels of Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the season. (Incidentally it is called Black Friday because black is the only color dark enough to hide the shame we should all be feeling knowing that a man was trampled to death so that someone could pay $4.99 for a copy of whatever crap Ashton Kutcher most recently barfed out.) Is it a mere coincidence that the binge of post-turkey spending should bring on a rancid purge of economic trouble? Or is the almighty Thor punishing us? It’s the second one, but that’s not the point. Americans are now facing the biggest spending time of the year, and its looks like old Saint Nick might be a little lean this year. But just cause the bottom of your Christmas tree will be empty as your wallet, be not afraid.

Green is the color of this Christmas. Environmentalism is hotter than your knock-off Loius Vitton. Follow these pieces of advice this holiday season and stay on the cutting edge of culture while also saving money.

1. Don’t go anywhere. Traveling is overrated and spending time with relatives is the quickest way to kill the holiday spirit. Blame the high cost of gas, and “caring about the planet” and forgo the flight or road trip out to see Nana. She’ll last another year.

2. I know that no one wants to be that crazy cat lady that washes and reuses scraps of tin foil, but recycling doesn’t have to be creepy. Instead of throwing away your holiday decorations, put them in a box and put the box in your basement, attic or closet. This time next year, you can take it out and re-use those same decorations. My family and I started doing this last year and boy did we save a bundle! Instead of burning our plastic Christmas tree ornaments in a massive bonfire on the 26th, we burned our wrapping paper instead. We kept the ornaments and are going to reuse them this year! Even my hubbie got involved, deciding he would try not throwing away the Christmas lights after New Years.

3. Fake your death and the death of your spouse the day before Christmas. The children will be so distraught they will forget all about presents. Later reveal yourself alive and declare it to be a “Christmas miracle!” That should be all the presents they need. (Warning: this will not work in your children hate you.)

4. All too frequently, we spend money on buying presents for people we do not even like. Tell any non-essential friends and family that you have converted to a new and strange religion and therefore will not be participating in any of their “heathen rituals.”

5. Another cheap gift idea: tell friends and family that you made their present this year then proceed to give them any old piece of garbage. They will be forced to pretend they like it.

With all the money you’ll save, you can finally buy that endangered species fur wrap you’ve always wanted!

Happy Holidays and may all your Christmases be Green.

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