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Imaginary Business Booms As Economy Folds Like a GAP shirt

Imaginary Business, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/unloveable/2400877902/ and http://flickr.com/photos/roebot/2879330213/New York, NY – It’s hard to escape the economy these days. Once relegated to nerdy bean counters, and unattractive Wall Street broke-vest-work-iters, now it is virtually everywhere and spreading like herpes in a nursing home. It seems that suddenly the real issues of our presidential election (who hangs out with who and who has had plastic surgery) are being overshadowed by the “worst economic disaster since the Great Depression.” Everywhere you look, the face of the economy is there – even in my wallet!

Wall Street, Main Street, Regal Sunset Lane – it seems wherever you live, the economy is there and it’s about as uplifting and easy to understand as a Tarkovsky film. But, as the saying goes, there is a silver lining to every economic disaster. And while many are feeling the crunch of crumbling banks and skyrocketing interest rates, there is one group that is finding itself on the upside of this downturn.

Imaginary businesses are reporting record increases in their quarterly reports. Those that make their living providing imaginary goods and services are breaking their imaginary bank accounts. “There simply isn’t enough room in my company safe for all the money I’ve made lately!” said “Colonel” James Oregon, pointing to the shoebox by his television. Indeed, it is overflowing with rocks, twigs, magazine cut-outs and troll dolls. Oregon runs a company out of his studio apartment called “Dreams and Things.” He claims to make dreams for local residents. I asked him if people paid him for these dreams, which voluntarily come to dreamer while sleeping. He replied that indeed they did “But people are shy. They don’t come to my house and give me money and say, ‘Thanks Colonel! It was awesome eating marzipan with Bjork last night!’” When asked how he receives payment from these “shy” patrons Oregon explained that his customers leave him money where they know he will find it. “Look!” he exclaims, motioning to some gum wrappers on the ground, “this was just sitting next to the garbage can at the library!”

Economists are scrambling to explain why these business have proved safe guarded from the crisis. And more than a few government officials are suspicious of their success. While companies across America are reporting record layoffs, imaginary businesses are looking to hire more employees, posting ads on non-existent jobsites like shmegslist.org and dreamcareer.com. While they don’t offer pay, they do have exceptional benefits. One recent post boasts a “relaxing 333.33 hour work week, company Unicorn and tons of room for advancement up the bean stock.” One theorist theorized that perhaps these imaginary companies are prospering “because they accept fake money in engage for their imaginary goods and services.” When asked to comment, Nancy Vargas, head of the Gooder Imaginary Business Bureau said, “This is 100% true. Imaginary businesses accept all forms of currency: flowers, soup, invisi-bucks, pesos and of course, the most popular – Monopoly money.” Music to the ears of those who are finding real American greenbacks hard to come by.

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