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Security Cameras and Sympathy Flowers

security camera in flowers, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/99505705@N00/443723434/ and http://flickr.com/photos/glassware/23819364/It is a tried and true trick to call in sick on days when you just don’t want to deal office drudgery or can’t stand to look at your cubicle wall for another hour that week. Not any more my fellow Americans, No Sympathy Inc has arrived.

No Sympathy Inc is a brand new internet company specializing in security camera systems determined to catch cough-faking employees at their worst. The twist on their product: security camera systems come in the form of sympathy flowers. Video and audio recording, digital relays, temperature taking flying robots, skin swabs are the tip of this liar-catching industry.

“With the provisions in the Patriot Act, we were able to launch our internet company,” said founder and CEO James Black.

Now you may have seen Nanny Diaries with Scarlett Johannsen getting rough with a teddy bear, but that hidden security camera has nothing on No Sympathy Inc. Not even James Bond’s faithful master of devices M would have offered companies such a commodity. Talk about finding out who is loyal to the company.

“We were tired of losing so many employees to ‘sick days’ when we were in the crunch of needed productivity,” said a frequent user of No Sympathy Inc who declined to be identified. “Come on people, how often do you really get sick enough not to go to work? Toughen up and walk it off. It’s called Walking Pneumonia for a reason.”

Many customers of No Sympathy Inc are really pleased with the product and the result. Customers are able to choose from an array of sympathy floral arrangements ranging from $100 to $10,000. The most popular floral arrangements usually include roses, Gerber daises, lilies, tulips, and sunflowers.

Here is how it works: Once an order has been placed, No Sympathy Inc takes one of their pre-made floral arrangements and sends it to the security systems department for outfitting. Depending on the order, a security camera, microphone, temperature gauge, or Bio-swab will be installed.

The security system, digital relay and microphone are typically the standard package and are installed in multiple ways, not to be disclosed here. The temperature gauges and Bio-swabs on the other hand are electronic robots, disguised as part of the flowers or “having come in from the garden” with the flowers. An insider reports that flying robots dressed as ladybugs and fruit flies can do everything from check your temperature to test your white-blood cell count.

CEO Black commented on the security camera technology, “It can’t be obvious or the sick employee will cop onto it. And it’s not the stamen either. Don’t be stupid.”

The flowers are delivered the house of residence listed in the employee file, unless the employee is said to be at the hospital, in which case they are delivered there. The delivery person is compassionate and trust-worthy, and in charge of placing the flowers in the room for optimal viewing. From there a digital relay video feed is sent directly to the employers computer screen for monitoring while other test results are sent to a nearby lab for subsequent delivery.

“Most of the time the person is really sick,” says Nick Stauss, a delivery man for No Sympathy Inc, “and they welcome the company while they’re under the weather.”

Stauss added, “Although when they’re not sick, they do all sorts of goofy stuff when I show up at their door with sympathy flowers. One lady pretended to faint right in her driveway just to try to convince me!”

No Sympathy Inc work, though, stops at the delivery. Once the information from the security camera system sympathy flowers is reviewed, it is up to the individual company to take responsive action.

From information from participating companies, only reprimands have been noted, but companies who use No Sympathy Inc services are gearing up now for future law suits. They see themselves in the right of way for insuring the utmost productivity from their employees.

To date, there is no record of employees that have complained or even noted the security camera systems hidden in their sympathy flowers.

And for No Sympathy Inc, there business will only continue to take off, predict stock market analysts.

“We go public next week,” said CEO Black. “I can’t wait to ring that opening bell.”

Needless to say, no employee at No Sympathy Inc takes too many sick days.

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