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Local Man’s Total Gym Gathering Dust

Orange, CA — Local man Evan Wildes became the proud owner of a total gym three months ago. Wildes saw the 400-pound “all-in-one fitness center” on a late night infomercial and immediately called to order. Gymtrex 3000 functions as a treadmill, bench press and yoga studio, all in one collapsable piece of bronzed aluminum equipment. The morning after ordering Gymtrex 3000, a box was left on Wildes doorstep. He and several close friends busily set to assembling the system and a week later, Wildes’ “all-you’ll-ever-need complete-gymnasium-but-in-your-living-room” was set up. “I think that was the moment it started,” recalls Evelyn Gwinn, WIldes live-in girlfriend. As Gwinn recounted for Nonsense Newsmakers, the total gym is now covered in a thick layer of dust. It appears that Wildes – once so excited, believing so deeply that this would really change his life – has not once used the gym. “It’s like he’s paying $33.99 a month for nothing,” Gwinn whispered as a tear was seen trailing down her cheek.

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