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Dude Hella Kite Snowboards Into New Dimension

Kite Snowboarding in the Next Dimension, some rights reserved,, Chile – A throng of snowboarders train their polarized, orange goggles on the sky. A tiny figure slowly materializes out of the dark cloud bank, drifting underneath a giant kite. As he descends closer, his black and white pop-art snowsuit creating a hypnotic illusion, the snowboarders cheer and knock on each others’ helmets. Their prophet has returned from the other side.

David “Fried Nuggets” Putnick, hero of snow-sports enthusiasts and adventurers the world over, left this dimension last week from the slopes of the Chilean ski resort Valle Nevado. Vowing to be gone no more than 8 days, Mr. Putnick has returned ahead of schedule after 6 of “the greatest days of [his] life”.

“People have been looking for a way into other dimensions for centuries,” says Putnick, assuming a scholarly air. “The problem is that they’ve only ever done it from inside the domeage that alights their shoulders. Now don’t get me wrong, I give big ups to astral projection and drugs, but I wanted something more. I wanted to take my bones up there with me.”

Putnick’s biography writes itself: Raised in a Colorado hippie commune, he grew up in an atmosphere in which mind expansion and interdimensional travel were a fundamental part of life. Putnick was praised as a child for having a special aptitude for accessing the astral plane, purported to be the first dimension removed from ours. Putnick would often thrill members of his community with tales from his travels there, such as the time he played Wii tennis (a technology not then invented) with Joan of Arc.

“He used to hide in the hybrid squash-berry barrels at the organic co-op,” says Lyzra Walbaum, a former commune resident. “He would always tell the most interesting stories. Mice who wear underwear on their heads and grow leftist political cartoons from their ears, old sailors teaching him the most effective knots for hog-tying an eight-limbed creature, a young Elvis giving a blow job to a raccoon…Most people would just write them off as the sweet nap-time dreams of a child, but we all knew he was really going somewhere while he was under those genetically altered squash.”

As a young man, Putnick devoted himself to snowboarding and began traveling the world in search of an “endless winter.” Working at ski resorts and spending as much of his free time as possible out on the slopes, he quickly became a respected figure in the ski bum world, renowned for his board skills, his other-worldly quality and his fantastic drug connections. After spending a rare few months of summer in Brazil learning to surf, Putnick became enamored with the burgeoning sport of kite-surfing, in which the rider is harnessed to a large, often inflatable kite. He was among the first people to adapt the use of these inflatable kite-surfing kites to snowboarding.

“When [Putnick] came back from Brazil, he was on a newer level,” says Jose Mendes, a comarade of Putnick’s who learned English primarily through the slang-laden international crowd that staffs ski resorts. “Hardly anyone was snowkiting at this time. At first, he sometimes was in a kitemare and the kite would Hinderburg into things or peoples, but it didn’t take him long to get shit hot. Dangerous weather was no problem for him and he would go out even when it was nuking. That’s how he got such big air.”

“Big air,” the term used to describe the fantastic jumps one can achieve while snowkiting, is a prized aspect of the sport. Some jumpers have managed to remain airborne for up to 20 seconds at a time. Taking an inside joke that a snowkiter with that much hangtime would be able to “glide straight to heaven” more seriously than it had been intended, Putnick launched himself on a quest to snowkite into a different dimension.

“I was out there every day, boosting off everything I could, trying to send it through the power zone 100 % of the time. On the big jumps I started to feel something opening up. Then I glimpsed it – like a golden hole in the middle of sky. I knew I could make it after that point so I called a Babe Ruth for Monday and said I’d be coming back in a week. There was nutty people gathered there, but I pulled it off.”

What exactly Putnick pulled off is unclear because, while it has been confirmed that he disappeared into the sky and did not return until six days later, he will not talk about what he saw there, or what level dimension he may have attained. Since the affable Putnick is usually happy to talk about his adventures, there has been rampant speculation as to what is currently holding his tongue. Some people believe that the experience has humbled him so much that he doesn’t want to brag, or perhaps that what happened up there was extremely personal. Other more cynical observers have mentioned that Putnick is currently in negotiations for a book with Random House and has been sworn to secrecy prior to a marketing campaign. Either way, this dimension continues to wait for its far-out ambassador to let us know what it was like up there.

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