You are here: Funny News » Politics

Pregnant Alaskan Wolf Shot, Raped, Made to Pay for Rape Kit

One Sad She-wolf, some rights reserved,, AK – Tragedy struck the small Alaskan town of Kutuchen this week as the beloved town wolf was shot, raped and then made to pay her own rape kit. Curtisa Mayfield, a silver-bellied razor back, has been living among the citizens of Kutuchen since her days as a pup in 2003. With her beautiful face and piercing blue eyes, it is easy to see how the Alaskan natives would fall for her. Curtisa has her own den on the outskirts of town and is respected and loved by old and young alike.

In 2005, the mayor of Kutuchen awarded the wolf a key to the city, carved out of a cow bone. “She chewed that baby for a whole week,” said local waitress Doris Sunder. Curtisa has appeared on the cover of The Kutuchen Krier several times and has even been given her own column, “Curtisa’s Corner,” a “Dear Abby” type advice section penned by a ghostwriter. When it was revealed a month ago that Curtisa was pregnant, a festival was held in her honor. “Floats were built for a parade, the marching band marched and banded – it was a wonderful, joyous time,” said a tearful Sunder.

No one quite remembers how Curtisa came to live among the Kutuchen people. Town Elder Jucker Kinsey, 104, reported, “it feels like she’s always been here.” Everyone is quick to point out “she is no one’s pet.” Rather, she is another community member, as integral as the talk radio host, serving up witty quips, or Sunder, serving up steaming flapjacks. All who know her, love her.

When news came out that hunters in helicopters had shot Curtisa, the town mourned openly. Elementary school children made cards with construction paper hearts and crayon drawings, reading “Get Well Soon.” Townspeople baked cassaroles and funds were collected to cover all of Curtisa’s medical bills. Then, as all of Kutuchen was down on the ground, reeling from the blow, they were delivered another swift kick in the teeth, cash on delivery. Curtisa had not just been shot, but raped. And because she was raped in the neighboring town of Wasilla, she had been charged for her rape kit – $1200 due to the fact that she had no health insurance.

All of Kutuchen was outraged. But when they tried to pursue legal action, they were met by a an icy wall of resistance, an igloo of beaucracy and inhumane policies, trapping them in a chilly cave of despair. After all, shooting wolves from helicopters, even the visibly pregnant ones, is legal. And, while local officials acknowledge “the awful tragedy” of the rape, they have upheld the practice of charging victims for the rape kits needed to find and prosecute the rapists.

All this has left Kutuchen and the Kutuchenese people with a simmering anger, a growing sorrow and murmurings of election recalls and, some have said, violent revolution. The fate that awaits the elected officials in Kutuchen might end up worse than that which befell Curtisa. Afterall, “she is a good soul and she’ll always be in loving hands.”

Popularity: 12% []

Random Post

Red Bull Linked to Birth Defects – Really Does Give Wings

red bull wings, some rights reserved Food and Drug Administration yesterday put a hold and general recall on Red Bull energy drink amid evidence that Red Bull has been linked to several birth defects – principally resulting in the emergence of wing-like growths on the backs of…

Read the Full Story

Nonsense News is a collection of fake news articles. If you find the stories within to be funny, strange, crazy or just plain weird, that's because they're false, not real, and definitely not to be believed. Our headlines are made up, our quotes are misquoted, and our reports are fabricated... in short, this website is for entertainment purposes only.