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Wholesale Ribbons Class Up String of Local Murders

wholesale ribbon examples, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/96221617@N00/100860946/Orange County, CA — A new development broke last night in a string of grizzly killings that has haunted the Southland for these past three summer months. The Department of Homeland Forensics has just released the shocking detail that the recent murders are all linked to one Wholesale Ribbon distributor.

The victims, ten women, all Caucasian, all blonde, all ranging in age from 18 to 25, were each found with a ribbon tied to their left pinky toe. Police are calling it a “sick calling card” left by the killer. The killings were thought to be unrelated until the ribbons were analyzed and traced back to the same wholesale ribbon distributor in Tustin, CA.  The similar physical descriptions of the women were called “mere coincidence” by local officials until this discovery. When some reporters suggested that the victims might be targeted because of their gender and that this perhaps was a hate crime by a misogynist psychopath, Chief of Police, Bill Cummings replied, “I don’t follow.”

The officers seem to be most interested in how the ribbons have “really classed up these completely brutal tragedies.” Senior Lieutenant Doug Chipper told press on Tuesday, “This guy is a real class-act. And a total psychopath. But really classy.” The ribbons, made from expensive aubergine silk, are a quarter of an inch thick and double faced satin. Each piece left was exactly 4 inches long and tied in a windsor knot at the base of the victim’s left pinky toe.

At a press conference yesterday, Chief Cummings released details about the ribbon to throngs of reporters who were visibly upset to not have more details directly relating to the victims, the nature of the killings or the murder suspect. Some reporters pressed the Chief with questions such as, “Why do you think the murderer is attacking?” “Are his killings a sign of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?” and “What can local women do to protect themselves?” To these questions, the Chief became angered, yelling at reporters that “Anyone who’d seen this guy’s taste in ribbon would know what a real class act we’re dealing with.” In fact, police seemed almost reluctant to cast the killer in any sort of negative light.

Official descriptions of the suspect are being broadcast and young women are being advised to keep their eyes open for a 6 foot tall, Caucasian male, well-educated, in his late 30s, perhaps wearing spectacles, maybe a professor or political analyst, probably with a six-figure income, nice car, a dog and “dashing good looks.”

The fact that all the ribbon has come from the same wholesaler has also sparked interest, causing many an amateur sleuth to wonder if perhaps the killer is employed by the wholesaler. When contacted last, no move had been made by police to investigate this hunch.

Citizens seeking more information can visit the police website for a more detailed description of the suspect, high resolution photos of the ribbon, and an address for fan letters.

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