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Fruit All the Sweeter for Being Sung To

srawberries, some rights reserved,, CA — What kind of music do you like? It’s an innocent enough question. Now, have you ever tried asking a tomato? No, of course you haven’t. Guess again, succotash. Tomatoes love jazz. And nectarines enjoy blues. Cucumbers can’t get enough of easy-listening. Potatoes like metal. Cherries get shaking to hip-hop (but only the old school kind, not that lame Jay-Z shit). And the list goes on. Despite harsh criticism by even the most critical critics, science has spoken in its bellowing authoritative tones and decreed that, yes, produce enjoys music. It ripens faster, stays ripe longer and tastes a whole lot tastier when exposed to music while on the vine.

The best results, farmers and scientists have found, come from fruit and vegetables that have been sung to. Something about the tonal qualities in the human voice cause the fruits to perform at above-average rates. A friend and avid Music-Fruit enthusiast told me over the phone Sunday, “I bit into a Sung-To Orange. It was like a Citrus Explosion! I can’t imagine eating regular fruit ever again.”

Indeed the results of this new technology do appear to have staggering benefits and absolutely no negative effects. But at what cost? Sung-To Produce is so expensive that only the yuppiest yuppies can afford it, though developers claim that by 2012 Sung-To fruit and vegetables will be as affordable as an organic pineapple.

Another question that no one is asking is: Who is singing to this fruit? Children’s voices have proved especially fruitful and children across the third world are quickly being enlisted into song camps where they sing from the darkest hours of dawn until late into the night, all for the benefit of upper-class produce consumers in industrialized nations. Their working conditions are far from satisfactory and several large produce harvesters are currently under investigation. Children sleep with their fruit, exposed to the elements. But straight from the mouths of babes: “It beats sewing shoes at Nike.”

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