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Chuck Norris to Direct Die Zauberflöte

A more violent Die Zauberflöte, as directed by Chuck NorrisDallas, TX – In a move designed to rock opera fans, tough guys and ironic youth all at the same time, Dallas Opera Director George Steel announced this week that the director of this Fall’s performance of Mozart’s 1791 masterpiece Die Zauberflote (The Magic Flute) would be none other than Chuck Norris.

Norris, the 68 year old martial arts champion and media star, says that he has always found the opera to be a “beautiful, moving tribute to Enlightenment philosophy and the triumph of the human spirit, even if it was written by a Kraut.” He thanked Steel for giving him the opportunity to broaden himself and try something he had always dreamed of as a boy, but never imagined he could have achieved: directing opera.

“Many people don’t know this about me,” said Norris at the announcement of his directorship, “but for a lot of my childhood, I was a complete pussy. Obviously, I’m no pussy now and that means there’s gonna be a few changes to the Magic Flute. If any of you have any complaints about that, I have no qualms whatsoever with kicking you into next week, waiting around until I catch up and then kicking you right back here. Take a look at that guy bleeding in the corner. I already did it to him.”

“I will also kick anyone that complains about my use of the space-time continuum,” added Norris, addressing that there is much that might confuse those who are not masters of Chun Kuk Do, the martial art he himself created.

In the original opera, Prince Tamino is saved from a serpent by the lady assistants to the Queen of the Night. The Queen then enlists Tamino’s help in freeing her beautiful daughter Pamina from the sorcerer Sarastro by promising the young prince Pamina’s hand in marriage. Tamino is given a magic flute that can change men’s hearts and he sets out with his sidekick Papageno to win his lady, enduring several trials before the lovers are finally united.

In the updated, “Chuckified” version, the fight with the serpent will dominate the first Act, ending with Tamino destroying the beast with lasers from his eyes. The Queen of the Night, impressed with his fighting skills and his animal magnetism, will beg to sleep with him and ask that he free her daughter. Tamino will refuse her advances in an eloquent speech about the inherit evil of premarital sex, but agree to free her daughter only because the challenge against Sorastro is so great. In Act II, Tamino fools the sorcerer into an epic martial arts competition, which he wins by doing a back-flip onto the sorcerer’s shoulders and crushing his skull by flexing his thighs. Tamino and Pamina are then married and the opera ends with Tamino winking at the audience as his blushing bride leads him to the bedroom.

“Besides changing the plot,” continued Norris, “I think I’d like to maybe see about translating it into English so we understand what the hell they’re singing about. And the music’s a bit dated, frankly. I’m thinking about getting the guy that does the music for Law and Order maybe. I don’t know, it’s all a bit up in the air.”

Mr. Steel, who spent most of the announcement on the side of the stage with his head in his hands, simply shrugged when he was asked why he had given so much power to so unusual a director. “We can’t keep performing operas if no one comes to see them,” he said. “We’re trying to reach out to the general public and spread a love of opera to people who normally wouldn’t come watch it. Mr. Norris has the ability to get many levels of the public excited enough to keep our company from bankruptcy, regardless of whether we have to sacrifice all our artistic integrity or not.”

After a three-week run at the the Music Hall in Dallas, the opera will tour public schools throughout Texas. Educators are hopeful that some scrap of the original material will remain to inspire their students, though it seems less than likely. Martial arts trainers, on the other hand, are ecstatic.

“We’ll be providing all of the stunt training for Chuck,” says Bryce “Lee” McDowell, owner of Kung Pow Fighting School. “The man himself will actually be in our school for a special tutorial on November 12th, so mark your calenders, kids, and come meet the man who can watch an entire 60 minutes program in only 20 minutes!” McDowell continued, quoting from a popular website called The Truth about Chuck Norris that encourages readers to send in made-up “facts” about the legendary figure.

The opera is expected to draw the largest audience the Dallas Opera Company has ever seen. If things go smoothly and the Chuckified opera is well received, there are talks of adapting it for an ice show in winter. Tickets for the Magic Flute, running at the Dallas Music Hall for the first three weeks of November, are on sale now.

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