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“Lawyer Gene” Discovered, Deposed and Made to Produce Documents

lawyer gene through microscope, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/snickclunk/202909801/Tucson, AZ – The University of Arizona made a startling discovery earlier this morning, prompting a press conference to announce that they had discovered and isolated the “Lawyer Gene.” Lab students working long hours over the holiday weekend were not even looking for a lawyer gene; no one was even aware that one existed. In an attempt to locate the cause of rising gas prices, sciencey kids in glasses were studying blood samples from a comprehensive cross section of the freshman class of the Norman Richter Law Center for Lawyers and Such, Including But Not Limited to Attorneys.

When each blood sample returned from the Lab with the same results, the students immediately suspected someone at the Lab was asleep on the job, “or at least stoned,” commented Jennie Brown, a 5th year biology student. After firing the Lab staff, hiring a new staff, training monkeys to train the new staff, and then firing and re-hiring the new staff (just for fun), they sent the samples out again. Nothing changed in the results, so the students then tested the blood of other majors as well – Literature, Economics, Dance, Political Science, Pan Asian Studies–  to create a “control group.” Sister colleges in Pennsylvania, California, and Georgia were also enlisted to run blood tests and the results were staggering. No one from any field of study except Law possessed what has now been deemed the “Lawyer Gene.” It exists among and only among, lawyers, and those studying to become lawyers.

The “Lawyer Gene” is a mutation found on the 13th chromosome. It is believed to enhance the qualities of stubbornness, combativeness, and to enhance the desire for wealth while simultaneously minimizing the need to be a useful and ethically responsible member of society. It also appears to be particularly strong among corporate lawyers.

In order to locate the cause of the mutation, extensive tests were performed and form questionnaires were completed with few relevant results discovered. That’s when psychology professor Mitch Chiplittle chimed in. His suggestion that perhaps a behavioral situation caused the mutation prompted an in-depth study of behavioral patterns of the mothers of the lawyers. “Immediately it became clear that these women were cut from the same cloth,” reported Chiplittle. A preliminary oral history of each of the tested lawyers and their families found that during the seventeenth day of pregnancy, each mother encountered a homeless veteran and refused to relinquish any spare change, despite the fact that each had at least a quarter in her pocket at the time.

News of the discovery spread quickly throughout the campus. The Norman Richter Law Center For Lawyers and Such, Including But Not Limited to Attorneys Admissions Department rapidly set to work revising admissions guidelines. Students interested in Pre-Law now must submit a blood test along with their GPA, S.A.T. scores and personal statement. If they lack the lawyer gene, they are encouraged to apply to the Business Department.

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