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Bridal Tiaras Make Brides Princess for a Day, Dull Pain For Rest of Life

bridal tiara, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/damselfly58/2360687462/Portland, OR – Flip through any bridal magazine these days and your eyeballs will be assaulted by photos of young, thin, white, blushing brides, donning their heterosexist uniforms and posing like the mannequins they long to be. Their dresses are exquisite, not one bejeweled butterfly out of place, and just as you start to think of how nimble those 5 year old Indian boy’s fingers must be, something else catches your eye.

Yes, these women (although aren’t they really better than women, these models, they should have their own word, something that really conveys how they are the idea, the ideal, the absolutely gotta attain, unattainable image of what women want or should want to be) are not your mothers and sisters and lovers. They are better. And they sparkle from head to toe with promises of happily-ever-after and registry lists longer than the Dead Sea Scrolls. And the cherry on top of this shimmering cake is an even more light-catching piece of necessary bridal attire: a tiara.

A bridal tiara is an all powerful thing. It is more than fancy headgear; it is a statement. A statement that screams to the world in a shrill voice, hoarse from accosting Macy’s shopgirls: I am a Princess. Don’t start with me. Women seem to be clamoring for them these days. One can hardly walk through a hotel lobby or high-traffic cathedral in June without getting severe cornea damage from the glare shining off of the myriad bridal tiaras. Why has this piece of gleaming head-jewelry become so popular and who are these women that seem to be buying them?

Let’s first point out that the bridal tiara is not an impulse buy in the wedding store check-out line. It is not gum or a tabloid, casually thrown into the cart because “What the hell? It’s only a dollar thirty nine.” A typical tiara can range from $100 to $150 dollars on the low end to ridiculous on the high end and there are a gazillon styles to choose from. Whether you want a crystal and porcelain flower fairy look or a Renaissance Queen Crown with a Disney twist, you will find a plethora of headpieces to choose from. Much thought and effort must be put into finding the perfect tiara to highlight the perfect hair, dress, veil, shoes, make-up, flowers, music, candles, centerpieces, lighting, band, dance floor, chicken, bridesmaid dresses, ring, what am I forgetting… oh yeah, groom!

So now it is apparent that there is no lack of bridal tiara choices and we are vaguely aware that there was once a time when a bride did not wear a tiara at all and that perhaps someone, somewhere is possibly, maybe, still getting married without one. So why the rise of bridal tiaras? Is it just a marketing ploy by an already bloated industry greedily trying to squeeze just one more penny (or one thousand) out of a girl who already makes 75 cents to her soon-to-be-husband’s dollar? Is it a thinly veiled attempt to tap into that part of a women that yearns to believe she is special and one of a kind and worth celebrating, while she is bombarded by a media that tells her she is only as good as her overly thin, white, young, straight, flawless body? Is it just another thing to be purchased, consumed and disposed of after one use? Is it an empty promise? As empty as your vows? You know more than half of marriages end in divorce these days.

No! Of course not. You are different. You are in love. And you. You are a princess. Today and always, because the photographer is taking pictures and that tiara, and the head that it’s on, is going to be your computer desktop til the day you die. You can’t wait to get your hands on the perfect tiara. You’ve been dreaming about this day since you were on Homecoming Court and Mr. Stevens handed you your plastic consolation prize while Sandy Jenkins walked off with a crown that would make Charlemagne blush. So come on down, Sunday at 2pm for the Bridal Tiara Expo at the Globo-Corp. Convention Center. All Tiaras, All Styles, For Whatever Your Budget. Everything Must Go!

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