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Platinum Mastercard an Affront to Human Decency

platinum mastercard protest, some rights reserved,, NY – Protesters have gathered outside of Mastercard’s global headquarters to denounce the new – literally platinum – credit card to be released by the company this fall. Protesters say that the card is designed only to flaunt extreme wealth and demean those who don’t have it.

Following a recent government study confirming suspicions that the gap between the rich and the poor may in fact be widening, several Mastercard employees felt it was time to speak up for those without a voice and combat what they see as an injustice to the American Dream.

“This country is founded on the idea that if some poor immigrant risks everything to come over here and work himself to an early, miserable death, his family might be established enough that his grandchildren go to college one day,” says former HR assistant manager Lisa Tan, a head organizer of this morning’s protest. “It’s a slap in the face to poor families when someone goes out of their way to show how much wealthier they are, reminding everyone else there’s no way in hell they’ll ever achieve it.”

Mrs. Tan’s co-organizer Mary McKinnell, a self-described member of the upper middle class, points out that the new card also hurts average, middle-class families.

“Forget about poor people,” she says. “Anybody could remind them that they hardly make enough money to survive. What I find offensive is that someone could work so hard to have a nice enough car and house to prove to everyone that they’re rich, but some super-rich guy can make me feel poor by flashing a credit card literally made from the most precious material on earth.”

The two women brought together roughly 100 people comprised of those who don’t like the idea of platinum credit cards, a group made up of Mastercard employees, and concerned citizens and students looking for a way to not only take a day off from school, but also to have something to write about on college acceptance essays. They assembled at dawn this morning in front of the headquarters bearing homemade t-shirts and signs.

“My sign said ‘THERE’S NO INTEREST ON HUMILITY,’” said local poor old grandmother Myrtle O’Shea, “which I admit could be rather confusing.” Other signs read “ENOUGH ALREADY,” “STOP IT YOU JERKS,” and even a left-over “NO BLOOD FOR OIL” sign someone gave to student Terry Bicketts, who said he forgot his sign at home.

A spokesman for the company said that he had no apologies to make and that Mastercard would be continuing the launch of the controversial new card.

“If I may speak personally here, I’d like to say that I consider the existence of extremely decadent credit cards to be a symbol of hope for the American Dream,” said Dean Altsworth. “It gives the poor something to long for. I’d like to share with you a rhyme invented by our company’s founder:

Before pity should strike us let’s look then and see
what should the poor aspire to be
Is it tightwads who only pretend they’re discreet
so their gloating and laughter can be kept elite?
No no, my friends, no, that’s just not it at all
If a poor man gets rich he’ll make slaves of us all.”

Altsworth went on to explain that, although the rhyme might rely too heavily on Dr. Seuss, its fundamental message is on the mark: people are mean. He said that this philosophy has kept his company on top for its entire existence and that it would continue to do so in the future.

“Besides,” he added, “I know a lot of stars who would love the chance to use some ice to buy their ice.”

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