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Nascar Scanner Makes Alien Contact

Nascar scanner at work, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/richevenhouse/2542900334/Bristol, TN – Here at Bristol, the legendary track at the core of Nascar’s eight-cylinder, 800 horsepower heart, things have gone from strange to stranger. Welcome to the gearhead’s world, a world of million-dollar crashes and dirty air. It’s silly season and the waffle bellies — Nascar groupies so named for the chain-link tans burned into their exposed mid-riffs — are hugging the fence, hoping for a glimpse of drivers that take center stage in today’s corporate-sponsored drama. You feel the roar of car engines and heat push into your ears. You can taste the gasoline and cheap beer in every breath.

The marriage of Nascar Nation’s technology-fueled speed obsession with rampant consumerism has produced here a hazy vision of our country’s increasingly complex, yet ultimately lowbrow future that rivals the work of any good dystopian. It comes as no surprise then that this should be the site of the first human contact with aliens.

It was roughly 9:00pm on August 23rd when amateur racing enthusiast Jeff Johnson says that he began a conversation on his radio scanner with a being claiming to be a member of the Niblix clan from the planet Chinlax:

“It was lap 98 and most of the lead cars were on pit road,” says Johnson. “I wanted to hear what the crews were saying about mechanical changes, but I was getting a lot of interference so I started pushing my SC230 up to the stratosphere out of sheer frustration, but once it hit the peak at 1300 MHz it just kept going, straight into no man’s land. I was at about 1570 MHz when I started noticing the blips.”

“The blips,” as Johnson describes them, are a series of beeps heard in the upper frequencies that combine to form intelligible sentences when scanning quickly up and down through the range of 1550 – 1620 MHz. Each frequency itself has no discernible pattern, but when flipped through in rapid succession one can hear words, much the way that looking through a gap in a fence shows only a tiny bit of what’s beyond it, but when walking quickly by the fence, all the bits combine to give a fairly complete image of what’s on the other side.

The fact that the aliens chose to speak directly to Johnson was an affirmation for the 47 year old project manager.

“I felt pretty special about it,” said Johnson. “They were asking me to spread the word about them and make sure that people weren’t afraid of ‘em. They’ve seen the movies we make and they know we’re scared of ‘em, so they wanted to talk to me an’ see if I could convince people otherwise. They were nice to me, asked me how my mom was doing and everything, so I told everybody around me about how wise and understanding they are and a whole bunch of people were interested.”

Johnson says that he asked the aliens if they wanted to speak to someone with a little more influence and they told him that they only wished to speak to him.

“They wouldn’t even talk to the announcers,” says Johnson. “They said the way to spread the word about the coming revolution was through someone ordinary and unassuming, a regular guy. I told them I could hook them up with the agency that does Carl’s Jr. ads, but they said they just wanted me. It was flattering.”

Not everyone is as welcoming and excited about the impending arrival of extraterrestrial beings here on Earth. Nashville xenobiologist and local crackpot Alan Milbourne heard about the event through one of the alien chatboards he runs. Milbourne feels that the aliens intentions are not as friendly as Johnson believes, but rather that the aliens wish to lure us into a false sense of security before attacking.

“The ‘Greys’ are finally starting to show some smarts worthy of the phrase ‘intelligent life,’” says Milbourne. “They know that L Ron Hubbard has cornered the celebrity market, so they’re taking a lesson from classical religion and concentrating their efforts on the general public, who are much easier to fool than anyone else. They’ll act really nice at first, but the next thing you know they’ll be eating people’s eyeballs and running forceful takeovers of major companies. People really need to ask themselves whether or not they actually want these extraterrestrials to touch down terrestrial-like.”

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Nascar Scanner Makes Alien Contact

Nascar scanner at work, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/richevenhouse/2542900334/Bristol, TN – Here at Bristol, the legendary track at the core of Nascar’s eight-cylinder, 800 horsepower heart, things have gone from strange to stranger. Welcome to the gearhead’s world, a world of million-dollar crashes and dirty air. It’s silly season and…

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