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Alpha Sigma Sigma Totally Gets Away With It

Frat Alpha Sigma Sigma, some rights reserved, http://flickr.com/photos/medeny/2507395390/Berkeley, CA – The call of the bros could be heard loud and long last night as Berkeley’s newest fraternity celebrated its acceptance by the University of California. On the eve of its birth, Alpha Sigma Sigma, whose Greek letters spell “ASS,” is already widely considered to be “hella tight as [stuff].” According to founding member Ben Dover, “This [stuff is] historical, man, this is [frickin'] huge!” Dover then added: “ASS FRAT FOR LIFE!” to the wild exultations of everyone there.

Alpha Sigma Sigma’s President says that while he is certainly overjoyed, his initial reaction to the news was surprise. In a mid-party colloquium held near the keg-line, President I.P. Freely detailed his misgivings about the Dean’s actions and hinted towards the future of the organization:

“It’s kinda hard to believe they would let it slide,” admitted Freely. “That ‘ol bastard [Dean] McKowsky’s pretty sharp, but he must be gettin’ soft in his old age. I mean, he was all over it after my freshman year when I put Kool-Aid in the shower heads. He pretty much expelled me for that and now he’s letting us call ourselves the Ass Frat? I don’t want to give out too much information, but we’ve got a bunch of pretty sick pranks planned for this year and I just hope McKowsky’s down to be a tight-ass, but ultimately respected and worthy adversary.”

Freely declined to elaborate on what pranks were planned, but other party-goers were more forthcoming, bragging about plans to steal the small electric carts the maintenance crew uses and park them on the Dean’s lawn. There are also rumors that the fraternity plans to streak across the Dean’s lawn, get two hot girls to mud-wrestle on the Dean’s lawn, set fire to the Dean’s lawn, and charge exorbitant amounts of money to mow the Dean’s lawn.

Alpha Sigma Sigma girlfriend Amanda Hugankiss says that while she has always appreciated the humor of her friends, she is looking forward to the fresh new ideas that will be brought by the foreign exchange student Ivan Toophuck, who has been made an honorary member for the duration of his year abroad.

“The Ass boys are hilarious of course, but they kinda get hung up on doing stuff to the Dean’s lawn,” says Hugankiss, “usually stuff that they saw in a movie. I mean, it’s funny, don’t get me wrong, but I’m pretty excited about some ideas Ivan has like carpeting the cafeteria floor with fly-paper and setting up games of croquet in classrooms and wearing white linen pants and thoroughly brushed long hair.”

“I really like Ivan,” continued Hugankiss after some reflection. “He’s more sensitive than American guys. He probably wouldn’t have asked me to [sleep with] Jen Duszchiks on the Dean’s lawn.”

Alpha Sigma Sigma may appear on top of the world now, but it hasn’t always been easy on the road to paradise. Freely, along with fellow founding members Seymour Butts and Harry Johnson, began the process of starting their own fraternity during their sophomore year and spent the next three years raising the absurd amount of money required by the North-American Joke-Name Fraternity Council (recently thrust into the public eye by the unfortunate events at Pi Omega Omega) by “doing a bunch of lame stuff” such as organizing a local food drive and running an after-school day camp focused on teaching kids the importance of exercise and sustainable, organic farming. The group also donated footage of their parties to a local Alcoholics Anonymous group to boost the morale of reformed drinkers by showing them the utter

Seymour Butts explains that after so many years of working for the community, he is excited that the fraternity is finally going to be accepted: “We all put a lot of ourselves into this neighborhood. I know I personally have fathered three, maybe four kids in this community. We’ve sacrificed our studies quite a bit to be out there making a good name for the Alpha Sigma Sigma boys. Now we’re all super seniors and it’s time for some well-deserved partying! After all we’ve done for the locals, I’m gonna feel way less guilty about raising hell all the time and peeing on people’s lawns and stuff.”

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