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Customer’s Misguided Karmic Philosophy Alienates Bookstore Staff

//, AL – Alabama native Carl North’s visit to a local bookstore ended in disaster yesterday when his tragic misinterpretation of the basic concept of karma led him on an unstoppable rampage through the store.

Having stumbled into the “Other Divination” section while searching for a book on teaching animal actors how to write successful cover letters, North, 51, discovered the theory of Karma, a Buddhist philosophy believed to originate in ancient India, which states that all good actions are balanced by bad ones. North, in his haste, misread the theory to mean that any bad action he took would be balanced by a good thing that would simply happen to him.

“I knew there was something missing in the way I thought about things,” North said while interviewed in police custody. “Then, just from reading the back of a book, it hit me: as long as I do something bad, I’ll be rewarded with something good. The yin and the yang, bad balanced out by good, right?”

North approached the check-out counter that afternoon confident that despite the fact that the book Life With My Sister Madonna had only come out one week prior, he would be able to purchase it in paperback. When the cashier informed him that the book would not be out in paperback for another estimated nine months, North realized that he had not behaved badly enough to receive what he wanted and proceeded to throw Lindorballs at the cashier.

“The guy kept shouting stuff like, ‘Think of all the good things that are going to happen to me now!’ while the chocolates were bouncing off of Song’s head,” said fellow cashier Erin Sorinky. “It was insane.”

The store manager, Lizzie DeLutz, was called to deal with the situation and North proceeded to hurl chocolates and insults at her as well, believing that the amount and quality of good things that would happen to him increased proportionately with the bad things that he did.

“He said some things to me that I’d rather not repeat,” said Mrs. DeLutz.

North, however, claimed that his insults were not meant to be personal. He explained that he did not tell Mrs. DeLutz that she was “a complete waste of human life,” to make her feel bad about herself; he was simply trying to move the publishing date on Life With My Sister Madonna up.

“I liked her very much,” North said. “In fact, I found her really attractive so I thought that if I said enough bad things to her, I would be rewarded by her falling in love with me.”

“He told me that my birth was ‘not a mistake, but an instant and lasting regret,’” said Mrs. DeLutz. “He also said that when I wasn’t around, my mother spent hours analyzing the long list of my flaws with the neighbors. Then he suggested the two of us ‘go to the office and [make love] like wild animals.’”

Mrs. DeLutz called the police, who were required to use force to bring North in.

“I know that pretty much anyone who reads books is a nut, but I’ve never seen anyone get as violent just from reading as [Mr. North],” said Officer Bryce Dawlins. “We were going to let him go, but we ended up having to hold him in solitary because he kept getting in fights. He is definitely not safe to be on the street and we’re having him psych tested.”

Rumors have begun spreading that the Dalai Llama, one of the premier Buddhist leaders of the world and an expert on Karma, has heard of North’s situation and offered his services as a teacher in exchange for a US boycott of the Olympics until China leaves Tibet alone. As of yet, there has been no response from the US Government.

When North’s wife, Christine North, was questioned about the Dalai Llama’s possible involvement, she said that she doesn’t care what has to happen as long as her husband returns to his normal state. “He’s never done anything like this before. I visited him in prison yesterday of all places and he told me that all I had to do was commit some terrible crime like kill someone and he would be released. I just want my husband back.”

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