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Tourist Wanders Onto Wall St. Stock Trading Floor, Gets Shitty Directions

tourest at wall street

NEW YORK, NY – In a tragic episode of miscommunication, local tourist Arthur Marmoset wandered onto the stock trading floor of NASDAQ while on vacation in New York and received what he described as “[very awful] directions.”

Marmoset, 43, is a resident of Penryn, CA. He has been visiting New York for the past two days with his wife Anita and their two children. While the rest of his family expressed very little interest in seeing the financial district of lower Manhattan, Arthur Marmoset, an avid fan of the scrolling stock bar on news programs, decided to spend his morning on Wall Street and meet back with his family either in the late afternoon or early evening.

“I just wanted to see all those guys in suits throwing money back and forth to each other,”a despondent Marmoset told Harry Fartoff, the guy sitting next to him at the bar later that afternoon.

Perpetually lost in any city he has ever been to, Marmoset relied countless times that morning on strangers to point him towards Wall Street and was pleased to find that the stereotype of rude New Yorkers was simply not true. First, he received excellent directions to the elevator in his hotel from a French tourist (breaking yet another stereotype). On the street, he ran into a young couple from Atlanta on their honeymoon, who let him use their map for a moment to determine which subway would be best to take. Upon disembarking at his desired stop, Marmoset borrowed another map from a group of perky retirees touring the city in order to locate Wall Street.

“We were very lost when Arthur came up to us. I thought he was an unusually friendly local who wanted to help us. I had no idea he was lost himself!” Olive Brunwich, 82, said.

“He was quite the wizard with a map,” added her companion, Ruth Worthington, 91, stating that they would never have found the Statue of Liberty without Marmoset’s help. “I would have died an unhappy woman. Now thanks to him, I’m ready to go anytime!”

Once on Wall Street, Marmoset abandoned his tactic of relying on strangers for direction and began to meander slowly, ever so slowly, up the street. A few hours later, he suddenly found himself on the stock trading floor. Disappointed that there was no money being thrown through the air, Marmoset decided to leave. Checking his watch, he realized that with all the time he had spent lost, it was already time to meet his family.

“I was supposed to meet them at McDonald’s, so I shouted out, ‘Hey, does anyone know where McDonalds is at?’” Marmoset told Brian Vonderberg, the third guy to be sucked into hearing his story at the bar. “It was real loud in there,” he continued, “but I heard somebody shout back, ‘It’s up three and a quarter!’ Now I had just seen a map a few hours earlier, mind you, so I knew there was no such street as three and a quarter. And everbody’s shouting different numbers. One guy says, ‘It’s at 43,’ and the next says, ’57.’ There had to be something closer so I said, ‘Hey, isn’t there something closer? The one I’m looking for is supposed to be next to a Staples.’ Some guy shouts back, ‘Staples is down five eights!’ That’s when I knew they were [messing] with me.”

Back on the street, a downtrodden Marmoset, his life-long faith in the inherit decency of direction-giving human beings suddenly shattered, saw no recourse other than to go to the nearest bar and drink away his troubles. He received excellent directions to local bars from several groups of people.

Glen Hunter, 28, a New York native and day trader for a large investment firm, was working on the floor that day and saw Marmoset struggling to get clear directions.

“I have no idea how that asshole could have gotten onto the trading floor asking for directions,” he said. “God I hate tourists, although as every New Yorker knows, it’s a lot of fun to give them terrible directions and totally fuck with them.”

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