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Pi Omega Omega Literally Goes to Sh*t

Boston, MA – Local Boston University fraternity, Pi Omega Omega is literally and figuratively going down the crapper. The Greek house has suffered bodily and mental damage recently due to a mass body detox gone awry. The forty-eight member group decided to attempt a communal detox program to foster brotherhood and “lose a little weight.”

The ten-day Master Cleanse, which requires participants to drink only a liquid concoction of water, lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper, promises to clear toxins from the mind and colon. Popular among celebrities like Beyonce and Matthew Modine, the Master Cleanse came to Pi Omega Omega’s attention after Katie Couric mentioned the body detox program at a university lecture series, with they had all attended. “We should do that,” said P.Ω.Ω. member Mark Glass to fellow members later that night. The unfortunately acronymed fraternity had been having trouble attracting rushes. Said Glass, “A cleanse seemed like something that would get us some attention, you know positive press, make the frosh perk up their ears and take notice.”

And take notice they have. In fact, not only prospective rushes, but fellow students, faculty and now the greater Boston area citizenry are all having trouble ignoring the frat’s new move. Unfortunately, it’s far from what one would call “positive press.” Pi Omega Omega has declined in popularity since instituting the detox.

What began as an innocent publicity stunt and attempt at self-improvement has devolved into what can only be described as a chaotic monster, spiraling out of control and taking with it a grouping of Boston’s fine young scholars. Reports from teachers, girlfriends, boyfriends and the few remaining lucid brothers tell a tragic cautionary tale. What Nonsense News correspondents have pieced together is that the first two days were fine. “They seemed hungry and a little cranky, but mostly were okay,” says Stephanie Le. But what began on Day Three and continued on was a terrifying look into the human psyche.

“I was just so hungry,” said Ian Wilkerson from his hospital bed where he was taken after being found naked in the university gym eating yoga mats and demanding to be let in to lamazze class. Wilkerson is one of the fortunate ones. Formal petitions and complaints lodged by local Bostonian members of Newberry Street Neighborhood Preservation Association. Boston Police and the Dean of Student Affairs at B.U. investigated the claims. What turned up were seventeen fraternity brothers discovered in one bathroom of the Pi Omega Omega Victorian covered in their own and each other’s fecal matter. Although this was not the first incident of its kind, it was disturbing nonetheless.

The students have been hospitalized and are currently under observation, being treated for early symptoms of starvation. In addition to its detimental effects on the student’s health and grades, the week-long descent left a visible, foul-smelling cloud over Cambridge, putting a damper on Ted Kennedy’s Chowder Brunch and Clam Bake, an annual fundraiser. The cause of the cloud is uncertain but its source is definitely P.Ω.Ω. house.

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