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UPS Shipping Sues Fed Ex’s Pants On

UPS delivery, some rights reserved:

Ann Arbor, MI — The University of Michigan contingent of the UPS Shipping Co. filed charges of Image Infringement on Monday against FedEx Unlimited. The suit alleges that Fed Ex has overstepped its corporate bounds by altering its dress code requirements for all Ground Delivery Drivers. Leaked to the press on April 18, Fed Ex’s internal memo instituted a mandatory shorts-only policy, making pants a thing of the past for its drivers and deliverymen and women. The memo states that any Fed Ex employee seen wearing pants will be immediately terminated. Skirts are still not allowed but culottes, while frowned upon, are acceptable, though there have been reports in the past of culottes-clad employees being passed over for promotions.

These apparel alterations came as an unpleasant surprise to UPS Shipping, which has rocked the brown shorts since its founding year of 1923. “You see shorts and you just think UPS,” said long-time employee Jarvis White, “Now with Fed Ex. wearing shorts too… I just don’t know what’s going to happen.” While Fed Ex’s shorts will remain navy blue to UPS’s brown, the changes have already caused confusion among customers. Local housewife Nancy Eaten reportedly “flipped her shit” when a shorts-wearing Fed Ex driver delivered her scrapbooking boxes on Saturday. “I saw the shorts and totally freaked. Scrapbooks Unlimited has always used Fed Ex in the past and here was a UPS guy, or so I thought, coming up my driveway. I didn’t know what to think. Luckily my husband talked me out of sicking our pit bull on him. I would have felt really embarrassed!”

The decision to move to shorts reportedly came from Miles Dervish, legendary classical guitarist and the new marketing head of Fed Ex. “Shorts are hot and it’s time that Fed Ex got some heat,” he remarked to Nonsense News correspondents. This landmark shift is just one of many sea changes Fed Ex has put into effect since declaring bankruptcy in December. Other notable changes include: brightly colored delivery vans and hats that play pre-recorded “Thank you for choosing Fed Ex” jingles. Despite these hideous changes, so far UPS Shipping has only taken issue with the shorts.

Legal counsel for UPS Shipping released a statement this morning warning Fed Ex to cease and desist and to otherwise “step off and get your own thing.” Fed Ex has responded with threats that UPS better “bring it” because they are going to be “bringing it.” UPS Shipping’s newest publicist, thirteen-year-old Hannah Johannes adds, “First off they are so obviously copying us, which is, like, totally uncool. Second off, Fed Ex drivers are totally gross and have nasty-ass legs so friggin’ cover up! No one wants to see that!”

Public opinion sadly confirms this to be true, but in all fairness, UPS has had overly eighty years to breed drivers with shapely legs that please the eye, while Fed Ex just last week put in their purchase for company treadmills and Stairmasters. The machines are to be delivered by UPS.

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