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Spring Flowers Take Up Arms, Call for Global Cooling

flowers, some rights reserved:, NE – A year ago this place was quiet, safe, almost predictable. Today, nestled here in the foothills of the Nebraskan mountains, the sleepy working-class town of McCook has lost its undisturbed sense peace and blissfully ignorant well-being. The small, geographically isolated village has been slapped across the face by the sandpapery work glove of revolution. It has stepped on the precariously positioned rake of change and been whacked in the noggin by the handle of the global climate crisis.

While most cities have been slowly adjusting to the increasingly warmer climate for the past decade, McCook’s unique positioning has caused it to remain unscathed by the heat of civilization’s inevitable march towards apocalyptic doom. In most of the world, outrage over the global heating trend has been channeled into political organizing and shameless advertising ploys. McCook has found itself in a different boat, floating in the increasingly hot water of blind rage.

The unusually warm spring season this year has caused violence to break out in McCook. Here, to the surprise of all involved, spring flowers have taken up arms against the human population. Local elected officials, including the Mayor and City Council members, have all been taken hostage. They are reportedly being held in Frank Lloyd Wright’s historic Sutton House where police are attempting negotiations. Members of the School Board are living in fear, terrorized by white envelopes filled with pollen being delivered to their homes. The PTA’s meeting space, Room 24 of Lincoln Elementary School, was vandalized, the windows shot out and the chalkboard riddled with bullet holes.

The terrifying tigerlilies, gruesome geraniums and violent violets are wreaking havoc to this slumberous hamlet. The Spring Flowers, believed to have deemed themselves Los Floristas, are outraged by global warming. The peak in temperatures, brought on by overcomsumption by humans, has caused the globe to warm noticeably and pushed forward bloom times for plants and flowers. Spring flowers which previously bloomed in May are blooming in March, putting their wilt time two months earlier as well.

To most flowers this has gone unnoticed. After all, the weather remains the same while the calendar month changes. McCook, Nebraska’s flowers are particularly aware of the human calendar because in 2001 the majority of the spring flowers in McCook entered into a timeshare, putting them in Cabo for two weeks in June. One chatty crysanthemum explained the problem, “I was supposed to go to Cabo, now I’m too wilted to make the trip!” As well as being dangerous, it is also unseemly. “No one wants to go to Cabo looking wilty!”

The irate flora have channeled their rage into a militia, fighting guerilla warfare with the town. Spring flowers latest terror tactic has been to enlist kamikazee bees (kamikabees) to sting the inhabitants of the town, as well as giant, harmless, stinger-less bumble bees to buzz loudly in the ears of children and annoy them.

As of my last call to McCook, the townspeople had not decided on their plan of action. “We’ve discussed over-powering them with brute force,” reported Sally Hennings, local housewife and mother of three, “but a lot of us are leaning towards just chipping in so the flowers can have an April timeshare. I hear it’s really nice in the Canary Islands that time of year.”

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