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Chuck Norris Reveals Secret Weapon, Art World Shaken

Baton Rouge, LA – Reports surfaced earlier this month but were dismissed by most as only rumors. A prominent local businessman claims to have alerted the press seven months ago, but was dismissed by most as only insane. Monday evening at 9:36pm, noted action hero, actor, and humanitarian Chuck Norris confirmed the nation’s worst fears at his weekly press conference.

Norris, who climbed to fame in the 1980s with such media classics as Cooking with Norris and Chuck’s Buck: A Critical Look at the Global Economy, has released his plans for a new multi-media system that threatens to turn the art community on its head. The system is a comprehensive educational tool that promises to teach, train and certify Joe, Jane and Jimmy Q. Public in the ways of Antique Appraisal. “Charles’ All-in-One Antique Appraisal Entity” includes instruction DVDs, Internet classes, bi-annual colloquiums, and Norris’s patented “Learn-a-thon” workbook. Purchase of the $29.99 system–which comes in a tall, extremely heavy, brass cylinder–also grants the owner free and unlimited access to ChatWithChuck.com, Norris’ website for 24 hour Q&A and Appraisal Troubleshooting. When asked why the purchase price remains so low, Norris explained that he believes antique appraisals should be available to all, regardless of income level. Representatives from Norris, Inc. cited his generous and charitable spirit, showing the crowd a photo-essay depicting Mr. Norris donating several ornate ottomans to families in need.

Norris waxed lyrical earlier this week, expressing his heart-felt desire for the American public to embrace “the infinitely fulfilling science of appraising,” emphasizing its ability to “connect each and every one of us to the past that bore us into this present” as well as our ancestors “for those of us who have ‘em.” After a twelve-minute tangent about the emotional poverty of orphans and what we can all do to help them (“sedatives”), Norris returned to his topic of antiques. In a move that was both shocking and inane, Norris declared that his first love, commonly thought to be his late horse Daffodil, is in fact finding, appraising and restoring antiques, particularly Civil War era weaponry and Yuan Dynasty textiles. The Texan Ranger went on to assert that appraising is his “one true super power,” shattering widely held beliefs among twelve year old boys that Norris can make himself invisible at will.

Hailed by many commoners with gleeful and blind reverence, this news was ill-received by members of the art world near and far. Many at the press conference were visibly shaken and appeared unable to mask their reactions. Several prominent critics were in tears and more could be heard muttering French and German curse words. Appraisers and Dealers Union Local 378 released a statement Tuesday morning expressing fear and anger over Norris’ “ignorant and utterly foolish disregard for our elitist hierarchy.”

Norris, Inc. has not offered to respond to the ADU’s comments at this time. Although an anonymous source from inside the Norris camp hinted that the ADU should check their mail, as they are likely to soon be receiving “a portmanteau full of whoopass.”

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