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Cabbage Soup Diet Leaves Local Man Stinky, Alone

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McCall, WI – Darrell Williams, a forty-two year old, 300 pound local has found himself very upset as of late. “No one wants to hang around me anymore,” he whined to Nonsense News journalists on Sunday over a bowl of foul-smelling green liquid. The putrid substance filled Williams’ doublewide trailer and permeated his clothes and hair. His sweat had taken on a light green tinge.

In an attempt to lose weight and embrace a healthier lifestyle, Williams has embarked on the extremely unpopular Cabbage Soup Diet. The diet consists of green and red cabbage, boiled in purified water for four to six hours. This chunky, brothy stew is then ingested seven ounces at a time at intervals of forty-five minutes. Williams, who had substituted tap water for purified water, describes the concoction as “barely edible” at first, with a “nastiness that just sort of grows on you. Really, it’s not as bad as you think.”

Williams claims to have a circle of “about a baker’s dozen of close friends” but quickly rattled off names of the characters on Joss Wheedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer when asked to identify said friends. Williams’s girlfriend of three years (a poster of Alias’s Jennifer Garner) also has not been heard from in some time now. After starting his diet six weeks ago, Williams said his friends and girlfriend quickly found themselves unable to tolerate his sulfurous stench. Going out anywhere became an issue due to the fact that every forty-five minutes Williams was opening a thermos full of cabbage water and carefully measuring out portions. “We got kicked out of 10,000 B.C.,” says Williams.

Always dedicated to getting to the bottom of every story, Nonsense News correspondents contacted trusted podiatrist and television commentator Jaime Guadalor. While she could not speak to its appetite-suppressing qualities, Dr. Guadalor warns that consuming excessive amounts of cabbage work as a powerful anti-psychotic. Dr. Guadalor went on to say that if Williams is suffering from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder then the cabbage could be acting as an effective medication, explaining why Williams no longer sees his imaginary friends. Guadalor went on to add that consuming vast amounts cabbage is frequently advised for schizophrenics but most soon switch to prescription medication. After all, cabbage, says Dr. Guadalor, has earned its reputation and is quite well known to “make you stanky as all hell.”

Williams reported that he would continue on his diet, despite its negative impact on his social life, saying, “Well, I have lost two pounds.” It is the most headway he’s made in his twelve years of experience trying what can only be called “fad diets.” “I’ve only tried green cabbage so far,” said Williams, “maybe it’s time I move on to red.” His exercise regiment remains non-existent.

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