You are here: Funny News » Business

Bunker Sales Hit All Time High Among Polygamists

Manhattan, NY – When the news hit the New York Stock Exchange around 10:30 AM yesterday morning, the frenzy was described as “frenzied.” Children walked out of classrooms and in Germany, rioters refused to riot, leaving public spaces open and empty. Actually, all that was a lie. No one really cared at all. But news is news, even if no one cares. So here goes nothing:

The firm of J., P., and Wentsword reported Sunday that the sale of bunkers has hit an all-time high recently. The surprising findings found a 30% rise in last quarter’s production and sale of bunkers. Marketing gurus and Think Tank participants who specialize in tracking geo-commerce have noticed an unusual spike in the sale of pre-fabricated, eco-friendly bunkers across Utah and in Montepelier, Vermont, the two Mormon epicenters of our nation.

Speculation over these currents trend indicate polygamist activities. Law enforcement’s polygamist crack down, affectionately dubbed “Mormon Mayhem” by local media outlets, has pushed multi-wife husbands to take extreme measures. Though confirmation is unavailable at this time, it is believed by polygamy experts and Big Love Fan Message Boards that, in an attempt to skirt the law, many Mormon men are keeping their second and third wives in bunkers. (Fourth wives are being shipped off to sympathetic relatives, while fifth and sixth wives are being sold into white slavery.)

Utah has long been known for its large Mormon population. We don’t seem to question why Mormons have settled in Utah in such large numbers — after all, history has shown us time and again that those shunned by society love to flock to desolate, dry, salt-polluted, radiation-exposed deserts of despair. But Montepelier? Why has the capital of Vermont drawn Mormons to its breast?

To understand the complicated chain of events that led us to this monumental historical moment in which bunker sales have far exceeded predictions, we must first look towards Vermont and strive to understand its rich and storied history.

Vermont became a state in 1771, fourth in line to ratify the newly inked constitution. The word “vermont” comes from the French settlers of the region and means “land of hippies, ice cream and canoes.” Vermont’s main exports are pine, canoes and pine canoes. Its main import is corn. It has a population of 73,000 and celebrates itself each November in the Annual Barley Festival. President McKinley was born in Vermont. Other famous Vermontians include: Abe Vigoda, Corey Feldman, Dan Rather and Charo. Caramel was invented in Vermont in 1803 by candy-enthusiast Samuel L. Rightus. Travelers still come from all around Vermont and New Hampshire to taste caramel made just the way it was in 1803.

In conclusion, next time you hear Vermont, remember the three C’s – canoes, caramel and corn. And also B – for Bunker.

Popularity: 3% []

Random Post

Rush Limbaugh Calls on Conservatives to Give Sacrifices in his Honor

rush-godThe public argument over who runs the Republican party took a bizarre turn yesterday as Rush Limbaugh demanded on his radio show that “true conservatives show their fealty and give me a sacrifice worthy of my greatness.”

Limbaugh has been the center…

Read the Full Story

Nonsense News is a collection of fake news articles. If you find the stories within to be funny, strange, crazy or just plain weird, that's because they're false, not real, and definitely not to be believed. Our headlines are made up, our quotes are misquoted, and our reports are fabricated... in short, this website is for entertainment purposes only.