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Braces Still Tragically Uncool

Yreka, CA — To keep ourselves on the Mach Three edge of investigative reporting, Nonsense News recently hired a fourteen year old girl to be our “eyes inside” the terrifying and utterly baffling world of high school. Sleep was lost, journalism was compromised, and spirits were broken, not to mention a few child labor laws, but we are now able to bring you some fascinating and disturbing insider news.

Our undercover high schooler, who must remain anonymous, reports sadly that braces, once thought making some sort of comeback, are unfortunately still the epitome of loserdom. Children with braces are mocked endlessly by the naturally tooth-advantaged. “I thought this guy was kind of cute,” remarked Susie Cheerleader, Junior Class President at Milton Berle Memorial High School, “but as soon as he smiled, GROSS. I told him to get his robot mouth away from me.”

Braces, also known as orthodontic monstrosities, are interlocking pieces of metal affixed with glue to one’s teeth. They are then manipulated to push or pull one’s teeth into certain configurations, deemed to be “better looking.” Once the culturally acceptable tooth arrangement is achieved, braces are pried off the teeth, glue is sanded down and the now free individual is handed a retainer and told to wear it everyday until death’s sweet grip clutches them.

Braces arrived on the scene in 1964, corresponding oddly with the British Invasion by the Beatles in America. The first braces, as well as their wearers, baffled the nation’s teenagers and inspired many anti-brace sentiment. But in the past fifteen years braces have become much more ubiquitous with most Gen X and Yers wearing them at some point in their childhood or teenage years. Children of snaggle-toothed Baby Boomers are likely to have perfect teeth, yet despite the commonness of braces, their popularity remains at an all-time low.

Those who have braces and then have them removed quickly forget they were ever metal-mouths and turn, almost instantaneously, on those unlucky ex-comrades who remain braced. The torment is terrible at best, unbearable at worst. Those that aren’t teased mercilessly with cries of “metal-mouth,” “brace-face,” and other, equally uncreative names, are simply ignored. As a result braces-laden teens tend to hang together in loose packs, sharing pain and consoling each other. Some, more realistic, students accept their fate as forever uncool, misfits, outcasts, cast offs and other such synonyms. The more deluded, or “hopeful” among them can be heard plotting their underdog success stories. These are the tales that tend to dominate conversations. Yes, word on the metal-toothed street is that once they are out of high school and out of braces, out of the fiery river Styx, rising like phoenixes from traumatic teenage ashes, the tormented orthodonted nerds will be laughing their perfect-smile laughs all the way to the bank.

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